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herdiana
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I was bloody worried if u must know. I have never felt the much worrying before. I know u cant pick up the call. U could have just rejected my call. At least i know ur still alive. My mind has already thought that uve met with an accident and i wont know what to do, who to call, where to find u. It was a huge relief when i saw u but at the same time, i was mad at u. But u just have ti misinterpret it right? U think im mad at u for being late. I was already preparing not to go to work if something ever happen to u. And i got scolded for nothing. I dont know if i should be angry or sad. Felt like ive wasted a whole lot of energy to be worrying for you. Hmm.. Thanks for sending me anyway.
'Why am i like this?' i often wonder. Why am i feeling like this? Why am i reacting this way? I dont llike having this kinda feelim February's ending in 2 days time. i dont even remember what happened in january. well, at least now im settling down at kakak's. Cant believe i actually went through shits. How i went through it, i cant remember. where did i get the strength to overcome them? its always when things got better and when u looked back, u cant believe how strong u could be. but i do remember alot of cryings. heh. no doubt, i do miss my home at bedok. and each time im there, i'd cry, my heart would sink and memories would come back. but i believe, there must be a reason to everything that has happened. thanks to those who cared, esp bf. thanks for staying by me even when i was being a monster and cry like a baby :) so, feb has been good so far. oh, did i mention that this week, i had 3 days mc and then 4 days off coz of the bali trip? thats madness. and the mc was genuine ok. i dont fake my mc. in fact im afraid to take mc. but i had a bad cough and the weather at bali was crazy hot, i had headache on the 3rd day. ok so, bali was never on my holiday list coz its expansive. but somehow, the conversation between kakak and i 2 weeks ago was like, " wanna go bali ?" and i was , "yea, ok." and 2 weeks later, we went. OMG! thats madness. it wasnt even a proper plan but it happened. im glad. expansive, yes, but for now, we could at least afford it, so why not. boyfriend went too! so that was a plus point. eventhough he had to constantly think of the $$$$ and was afraid of the awkwardness coz its my family trip afterall, but it was kakak who asked if he wanted to come along. i din even say a word to her. :) though there were ups and downs, im glad he came along. so very glad. its bali, afterall. though it wasnt a romantic getaway. i love love love my bf. having to go apart after 4d3n was painful and i had wish we were married then, so we wont have to go back to diff homes. one day ok... ive never felt so lonely before. putting aside the row im having w bf, i miss my family, so much that it hurts. being at the family gathering, sursounded ay his sibling7, made me miss him even m0re that when i got bk home to the dmpty house, all i could do was to think of him, how my family used to b like. and worse of all i cnt talk abt this to anyone. woke up today, and i cried. i miss him. Jealous : Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position. A huge part of me has that. As much as i want it to go away, its not. My suspicion ran wild. Its like i want him all to myself. The thought of them enjoying without me, scares me. I never wanted to be the control freak coz i dont like to be controlled. But when i keep it to myself, my mood changes. It scares me even more. I can never be happy... |
