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I hate it when im already eager on doing something and due to uncertainty, eventually, had a change of plan.Oh, not forgetting, it happened twice in a row. CRAP! Sometimes, its just so frustrating. Days like this, how i wish i have a boyfriend. Like, seriously. (or maybe a car or bike just so i can ride/drive to somewhere nice and clear my head) I know people would say, "u dont need a boyfriend just because of that what" or "why do u need one" or "why do u sound so desperate in needing one?". In the first place, do i have to listen to whatever u say and just shrug off my feelings n needs. NOT that kind of needs. Its the feeling of security, love, comfort and knowing that someone is there for me, like physically. Someone i know i can turn to. Someone who would sacrifice for me like how i would sacrifice for him. I know its all very cliche but isnt that what u're finding in a relationship? I envy those who are in that situation LOR! Gf said that i have to stop being mean if i want a boyfriend. The thing is, Im not! They are! I secretly wish i have one. He who can make me smile, with just a simple hello. Oh! And one more thing i hate. If i ever make plans with someone and its still pending and unfortunately that someone couldnt make it and NOT inform me and let me wait, man, i hate that the most. Cant u just freaking well inform me so i can make other plans and not wait for ur confirmation? If not, answer my call if u dont have the guts to call me. I just need to hear a simple, "oh, im sorry, i cant make it". Thats all. And i HATE to hear, "oh, i dont know. I'll call/msg u later". That will come six hours after our convo, if im lucky. Im not pointing at anybody. Its just something i hate and thats one thing u should know about me. This entry is full of hatred. On a lighter note, im leaving for MacDOnald's now. Am i jealous? But why should i be jealous? i dont have the right to get jealous. But am i really jealous? I dont know if im really jealous, or just shock. But why should i be shocked? Isnt it all too obvious already? I dont even care lah. But why? tell me why, aint nothing but a heartache.. Fine! Maybe i am jealous, but i know i shouldnt coz its stupid. Period! Happy 20th birthday syafiq! I dont think kakak has got anything to do at work. She will frequently call me to just ask what i was doing or what's her son doing. Today we were talking about kani and how she got my sister fooled and how her colleague scare kani with the harsh tone. Why do we have to get the stubborn one? -roll eyes- Somehow or rather, what happened the last time has put a barrier between us. Ive always thought i could just call u up and hang out without feeling afraid or even having the second thought before actually asking a favour from u. I want us to be like how normal people behave. Like, "hey old friend, wanna go for a cup of coffee?" But i cant do that, can i? Coz id feel bad and awkward and scared. Why? Why? Why? And i suddenly have this thought whereby i feel like i shouldnt be bothering u, for the time being. As far as im concern, ive already caused u more than enough problems. Will there be more? I hope not. Coz id never wanna lose a friend like u. On the other hand, thank you. After three days of sleepless nights, ok fine, i dozed off 2-3hrs, only, its over! I can now sleep peacefully without having to wake up and rush through those slides just so i could figure out some creative answer for the lecturer. I HOPE to pass every module. What if there wont be any supp paper for us? Shit! Please let the hitting-of-the-book-onto-my-forehead-while-i-was-reading-the-notes-lying-down-and-half-asleep somehow help me one way or another. There's so many things i wanna type out so that in ten years time, when i read the entries, it brings me back certain memories. But i cant seem to put those feelings and thoughts into words. Life before today has been hectic and tiring but whenever people asked, "how are you?", the only polite, reasonable answer i could give was, "im fine". NOT! Looking back, i couldnt believe that ive actually went through all those shit and im still surviving. At one point, i just felt like quitting, but quitting when u're almost done was kinda retardedly stupid. But then again, people make stupid decisions everyday. K, random. I cant believe i wont be seeing nr0626 anymore. Ok, i dont really care about the whole class but not seeing my subgroup members? that's awfully saddening lah. With them, ive lost my temper. With them, i got to enhance my 'creativity'. With them, i can be such a baby. And i wanna thank them for taking care of me, helping me, for being understanding, having that 'dont worry, be happy' attitude and loving me. I was just asking myself the other night, "So, what now? What am i gonna do after this?" I see some of my friends not getting any job after they graduated and that's scary. Still contemplating, hospital or scdf? I know its bad to do what i did but its just so tempting to find out what's going on in your life. And the minute i read all those words, i regretted. Coz its such a turn off and disgusting and stupid and URGH! How could you? You do know its wrong to be doing what ur doing but why are u still doing it? You are someone we respect but eversince ur behaviour changes, all the respect and trust are gone. Ok, maybe there's some respect left but the trust, its all gone. How would u expect us to not treat u that way when u are not behaving like someone u should be? Dont think just because we disagreed on that person, we approve of the other. In fact, we strongly disapprove on the one whom u call 'the first love'. Gosh, ive yet to share all the informations ive gotten with sister. Shes gonna freak out. Why is it happening to us? How i wish YOU are here with us.... Printing out the conversations i had may seem stupid. But im glad i did... Clearing of the cupboard filled with unwanted-but-i-dont-know-where-to-throw stuffs brought back wonderful memories. Took my time reading every little thing i wrote. Funny. Stupid. Childish. Some things are not supposed to happen but it did. To think that i knew what i was doing back then. NOT! I found something that i once treasured. 'Confession'. Instantly i remembered what was it regarding. It didnt take me long to realise that im missing you. Will 'this' be a cycle, throughout our friendship? I hope not. In any case, im sorry to have landed u in such situation. Base on the birthday cards received over the years, i realised i was very much well-liked. Still, i have this fear of not being liked by others. Why do i care so much on what others think of me? i SHOULD really suppress this feeling. "...to wake up everyday and think of u..." "...only to have a daily reminder of _____..." "...but i still love u..." Those words kept me going, only for awhile...till i finally realised. (note: that was 3 years ago) How fast time flies. 7th of Aug was my last day of school. A very tiringly stressful day to end. Fyp exhibition went well n im glad my class agreed to the dance. Now i have something to remember of. Loads of pictures to share but not now. Ive yet to study for my final exams. Wish me luck. :) pst.. u make me smile! how i wish all that could happen. who knows... -shrugged- Two of my cousins (siblings) got married on the same day. Super chaotic. Time management, fair. It was a 3-day event. Had two days of solemanization and the wedding ceremony was held on Sunday. Thankfully, twas a success. Abg Andri's...    As requested by the groom, we had to make a music video with 'Build me up, Buttercup'. I dont know why he chose that song of all songs. If u know the lyrics, u'll know what i mean. But we had fun making a fool of ourselves. I am so eager to watch the final product.          Kak Ainis's...      i have an irritating sister if u must know.     As usual, i always got back my clothes at the very last minute. Sunday was busy coz we had coffee corner. Its an ongoing process. Each time we put a new delicious looking pastries or kueh, in one minute, its all gone. Can u imagine fow busy we were?          in laws  have u seen girls carrying that thing? guess we were the first!     we dont look alike what!        they were awesome.    that's not all u know. many others werent in the pic.  starbucks! starbucks! starbucks!   haha. so gay.    Super duper tiring weekend. |
