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herdiana
260788
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Naqiah*
Hidayu*
Syaza*
Kartika*
Lina(bds)*
Bubu(Bds)*
Nazurah*
Widya*
Shamida*
Ayieen*
Zhengyi*
Ella*
Syafiq*
Crystal*
Emilia*
Nadiyah*
Chew Sian*
Desi*
Shane*
Shalson*
Raudhah*
Lyn*
Rohaida*
Serene*
Haryana*
Adilah*
Alia*
Mus*
Joey*
Szeyeong*
Jub*
Selina*
Ruzanna*
Sylbest*
WanXin*
Efa*
Nano*
Zoe*
Yasmin* archives
credits
Design: doughnutcrazyIcon: morphine_kissed Do credit accordingly if you changed the icon. |
I miss alot alot alot of people ok. - Joy - Baby Edwin - Emilia - Widya - Syafiq - Kai rui 'darling'(hahhah) - Ze sheng+Guan wei - Fathiah - Azwan - Lina+Zul to be continued.... My left ear has deteriorate. The pain has been bugging me for 2 weeks or so but i kept quiet, thinking that it will go away sooner. But i thought wrong. Yesterday, the pain was unbearable. I don't know how to put it but it's juz so painful that i don't know what to do. I don't mind if its blocked but it's painful. I wonder what's inside. I can't tolerate with the pain anymore. I'm going to see a doctor and hopefully she can help me. Now that i can't hear that clearly with ma left ear, i have to only use ma right ear when i'm on the phone and sit closer to the tv when watching them. ARGH! I cant hear properly mun! oh no... Why am i so unlucky this year. First was da 'snake' on my body.. Now my ear. What's next? Far worst than this? This year i've been tested alot by God. My dad is gone. Abang behaving like an idiot. I'm suffering from all this stupid things. Major exam's coming. Got ditched by someone. Friends thought i don't wanna talk and don't care about them anymore. Whats with all this problems??? When can i be free from all this? I'm tired of handling one problem after another. LIFE SUCKS MUN! Ayte, what's the use of me venting my anger here. It wun help me settle anything anyway. I'm gonna sleep i guess coz that's the only time i don't feel the pain. Unless luck is not on my side lah. OUCH! THE PAIN IS KILLING ME NOW! Not exaggerating. Its damn uncomfartable lor! I think the dream fairies gonna kill me soon as to make me miss some people! Urgh! Alright, first stop, i dream of him, again! i don't know why but it seems like i've been dreaming of him lately. Oh, get away! Ok, same thing, we went to, believe it or not, GREECE! I don't know why the hell we were there. I was with my family and he's with his. Strange. But i never get to see any of his family members. Not fated i guess. Whhahha... So anyway, we met and everything went smoothly. Till one part cause i didn't admit something and theres some complication. But after that, everything's fine. Long story lah but i summarised them. But the thing was that, we're back together. Ok diana, stop it! WHAT! Wasnt my fault.I don't even ask for that dream. Well, at least it makes me feel good. Whahha.. alright, i'll stop. Hey, u guys might think that i'm creating some childish story. NNOOO!!! I'm not. i really did dream of that. Trust me! Well, next stop, it's my dad i dream about. How did it happen, i don't know. Mama, kakak and i was locked out of the house. I didn't take the keys when all 3 of us were sitting outside. Then, BOOM! The door shut! Shyto! Then suddenly, someone opened it from inside. Not my brother coz he's not at home. BANG! He scare hell out of us. Its my dad. With his favourite shirt on top of his slim body, he looked normal. I don't think he knew that he's dead. Ok, that's a bad way to put it but nevermind. I ran to him and hugged him for so long that he was curious for my action. Mama started crying. It seemed like the incident happened 7 months ago doesn't exist. -shrugged- It was really a touching moment. Oh how i wish that could happen in reality. But as u know, whatever happens in a dream will turn out otherwise in reality. And i find it true. I don't know. Well, so there goes my one night dream. Why do people dream when they sleep? I don't know but i always dream of somthing when i sleep. It's been that way since i was young which most of those were scarey ones. GHOST! Hahha.. Maybe i think too much before i go to sleep and that thought brings it to my dream? Why oh why?? Someone, please tell me! Why must i dream of the people that are truely close to my heart? It feels good in the dream but once i wake up, i'll have this terrible feeling and let me tell u, it's AWFUL! Aight, i'm gonna do my chores and return the vcd. It's 2 days over due. And i have to pay 2 bucks for that. Oh, wadahell! Then maybe, i'm gonna drop by to naq's place and slack for a while before returning to my oh-so-empty-quiet-boring yet peaceful home! Oh yah, yey! I'm fasting again! Ok, that's lame. Ok then, much love from me! Muah muah... Fark NADIYAH!!!! THANX ALOT for sending me that virus. Go on, keep on laughing. U have my permission! U BITCH! i'm so gonna hate u for this. Making ma life miserable...!!!! I'm so not gonna give u duit raye. Well, u dun desrve it afterall. SKip ur puasa again lah. I'll tell mama not to give!!! I make sure that'll happen. U so have to plead for forgiveness... I don't care! Hahahhahh..u lil bitch! So much for being my oh-ur-the-best-niece-ever! Kiss my ass! But..ppsst..(I'm beckoning at u, shanad!) Come closer, i have to thank u a lil bit lah. If its not for u, i'll be stuck to the comp and not do my revision. Mind u, i'm left with 15 days to O LVL. SHYT! So ok, thanks! But that's only 10%. That 90% of me still hates u, get it! I'm not gonna waste anymore time. I'm gonna clean myself and start STUDYING.. I'm not gonna get bad results like u did! HAhahh...So long, suckers! I WANT A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DESPERATELY NEED ONE!!!!! WHO WANTS TO BE MY OH-SO-WONDERFUL BOYFRIEND?????? I miss u..yes u..! I want u back..! Come back to me..! BUT i know u won't..!!! WHY AM I SO UNLUCKY???!!!!!!!!! I am thinking of you In my sleepless solitude tonight If it's wrong to love you Then my heart just won't let me be right 'Cause I've drowned in you And I won't pull through Without you by my side I'd give my all to have Just one more night with you I'd risk my life to feel Your body next to mine 'Cause I can't go on Living in the memory of our song I'd give my all for your love tonight Baby can you feel me Imagining I'm looking in your eyes I can see you clearly Vividly emblazoned in my mind And yet you're so far Like a distant star I'm wishing on tonight Give my all for your love, tonight.. Every now and then, i'll dream of u. But yesterday was special. You came back to me. However, i know it won't be in reality.. I don't wish to wake up knowing that if i do, everything will be gone. In my dream, the feeling was exactly how i had felt when i'm with u. Being loved, secure and wanted. I won't deny that i've been missing u alot lately.. Unfortunately, i won't be feeling the same as i did before now that you're gone.. When the moment i knew that i'm with u, i told myself that i've found the perfect guy. I like everything about u. All the things that i've dream of for a guy is in u. Gosh, u don't know how happy i was back then. But soon, it all come to an end. Maybe i came at the wrong time when you're supposed to be alone. I never discuss that issue with u but i swear i always think about that. I know u need that some time alone especially after what had happened between u and her. I thought i was selfish for rushing things but the fact that, i don't. Remember there was once i asked if you are still thinking about her. You said no. But that doesn't mean i stop thinking about it. I care for u and ur feelings. I'm not as bad as how u described me as. That was really mean of u. That wasn't my intention at all. How could u ever think of that? U know what, forget it. It won't change anything anyway... Why don't u go ur way and i'll go mine Live ur life and i'll live mine Baby u do well and i'll be fine Coz we're better off..seperated. NNNNOOooooooo..... i can't fast! what a waste. Last year i managed to fast for the whole month of Ramadhan but not this year. Urgh! Nevermind... I'm having my O level science practical TOMORROW and i'm not prepared. Indeed i'm procrastinating but i've got no choice but to study cause in case u've forgotten, HELLLOOO...its O LEVEL!!! I have to have the confidence when doing the experiment. I can't possibly guess and try my luck. I am so prodigal of my time. GOD..HELP ME! I'm so scared and worried. Lack of practice is one of the reason. I juz want to SSSSHHHOOOUUUUTTTTT...!!!!!!! How i wish that feeling could go away. I'm tired of it but still, i'm missing u... I had hell lots of fun yesternight. Thanks to my all-time-happily-crazy girlfriends. love u girls...woohoo.. As expected maths paper 2 was a killer. It's freaking difficult even if u studied the night before. Unfortunately, i didn't lah, due to some unwanted truth that were told. But i'm cool with that now. So, i coudn't finish the paper. Did what i could. Wasn't in the freaking mood to do also. My eyes was half opened cause i slept late the night before.. Oh well, after he paper, had this stupid lame graduation night briefing. I shouldn't have gone. It's the same as last year. The only thing was that, i wanted to take my report book. After which, met the girls. I'm not sure why but i didn't have the mood to talk much less laugh. They told me some funny stuff but all i did was i gave them a fake smile. Whoa, i'm so bbbaaaaaadddd....! I desperately wanted to go out, knowing that mama won't be home until nine plus ten. So i asked the girls to accompany me out. Had some difficulties as we were not sure wheter naq was able to go. They played the comp and i slept on my oh-so-comfortable bed. I was awakened by a phone call from joy. bbbrrr... The girls wanted to go home and so i chatted with her. Later naq sms me saying that she's able to go. YEY! ANd so we decided to meet each other at 0530pm at the phonebooth.. We breakfast at sakura. Was a good idea to have the table reserved. The place was packed by the time we entered. Took some pictures. Had a few hheehee-hhahhha. The best part was when ayu wanted to clear her bowel. Me and naq waited for her in the toilet. While doing so.. we took lots of pictures. Cool ones i tell u. I threatened ayu of taking her pic while she's in the cubicle. Oh and there she went..."diana! jgn.!" shouting at the top of her lung. Laughing here and there. Me and naq can't stop laughing. The toilet was ours. Then we taught ayu hw to put on lip gloss. Hahha.. We are trying to transform her into a lady. Not that she's not now. wahhahha.. Took the train and off we went to GEYLANG where typical Mats and Minahs are. bluek! Saw some of my friends. But i can't believe that i actually saw HASNIEL! oh..we were directly infront of each other. But i was so ashamed of myself cause i waved to him with the deng-deng dangling from my hand. What am embarrassement! Thr laughter from the girls irritate me! hahha.. I'm not sure why but i was commented by people a couple of times about the food i ate and how i ate. Wadahell! There was once, i was eating deng-deng and since i walked at the front, i had to turn around to talk with the girls but when i turned back,this guy's face was DIRECTLY infront of me. Very close i tell u. I SWEAR! and to make matters worst, the deng-deng was dangling from my mouth. AAARRRGGGHHHH!!! Gue malu banget deh. When i ate the turkish ice-cream, i nearly smashed the ice-cream onto someone's face. woohooo.. It was already 0930pm by the time we went out of the bazaar. We have to be home by ten! On our way back, we had so much laughter that we were crying. All 3 of us made mistakes and was realised by the other 2 girls. Bloooody hell! I think we were the noisiest when we were in the train. Who cares..??? I alighted first and make my way home. But i cant help smiling when i recalled what happened the whole night. I so love them. They managed to make my day. Naq and i vowed to remain single, mayb till after our o's. Lemme sing for u! " This is my current single status, my declaration of independance. There's no way i'm trading places, right now a star in the ascendent. I'm single right now, that's how i wanna b.." I don't wish to be hurt by jerks anymore. Sorry to say that. I'm happy with what i have now and i don't need a guy to feel good..Till then, so long suckers!!! AM i still attached?? i don't even know. Ya, strange but true! Please tell me. So that i can put my mind at rest be it good or otherwise. I'll let u go if that's wad you prefer. U once told me, "...juz so if u logged on.. juz wanna let u noe i'm still waiting for ur reply or call. i've been staring at my phone since i msged u. hoping for at least a reply. weird huh. wen u dun want ppl near u they will be. but if u want them close, they are far away. i'll care for u today, i'll care for u tmr.. i'll care for u as long as i live. i'll still be waiting. i'll alwaez be here. for u..." Have u? I'm not sure about that either. Mayb i'm not aware by the little things u did but i feel like u were not there when i really need u badly. I'm not blaming u though. Mayb you keep it to yourself. -shrugged- But I 'm tired of thinking whether i'm still wanted and needed. The fact is that i don't know what u're thinking. Yes, i'm afraid. Afraid of losing you. Just when i'm about to be happy, everything seems to collapse. Just for once, tell me what's in ur mind, nothing else but about us. That's all i need to know.. I'm tired, tired of thinking and missing u.. i envy those people around me for being happy with the one they love. I wonder why my relationship always turned sour. Even before i could taste a lil bit of happiness. Mayb there's something wrong with me! I hope so very much that things will be better in future. That's if u want to make it happen because everything lies in ur hand. I'll accept whatever decision u make cause i can do nothing about it. Just that, thanks for that bit of happy moments u gave me. Please help me solve this... To those who are reading, em sorry for being emotional lately.. U dun have to offer any help cause the only help i need is from him.. - Gt back ma overall prelim results. - Not satisfied. - Very scared->o lvl's in 3 wks tym. - Unprepared. - Trying hard to lyk da subjects i hate. - Bt tired of studying. - Cant wait fer dis damn exam to end. - Gonna miss everything once i leave dat bloody school of mine. - Think i shud juz concentrate on ma studies and nt anything else. - Dat includes having a boyfwen. - Dun even noe wads da situation lyk now. - Confused bt nt gonna think abt it. - Hoping it'll gt bttr bt i doubt so. - Miss her and him so much. - Sleepy nw bt hafta revise thru ma stuff. - Nt taking geog ppr tmr. - Haven gt ma menses yet. - Kinda late thou. - ARGH! - TIRED! - GD NYD! Wen i was younger..i always had da fear of going to da cemetry. Ma imagination will go wild. However, after ma dadz death, we often visit him at his 'new' house..practically every sun MORNING! quote dat..meaning i hafta wake up VERY early on SUNDAY! bt i dun really mind. After sum tym, i actually found out dat its very peaceful over der. Lyk duh..who wants to create havoc der. Other den da peaceful surrounding, i can ease ma mind. As i stood up and lukd ard, i saw only grave bt even thou da outsyd luks nice and tidy,i noe majority of dem are suffering below. Even thou being der makes me feel sad wen it reminds me dat i've lost sumone i luv, i still find it peaceful.i duno y..so each tym i stepped out of da cemetry area, i feel lyk da problems i was facing b4 were all gone..Cum to think of it, WHY SHUD I BE AFRAID? and u SHUDNT b afraid as well bt i dun think u r. i lyk da smell of da soil dat i stepped on and da flowers dat i spread on da earth surface of ma dadz grave. i duno.. bt i think em gonna cont dis routine of going to da cemetry every wk... Went to pasar geylang after dat. Bought a couple of stuff. While i was walking, i smell sumthing familiar. Its his smell. i duno. Wen i lukd ard, i cudnt find wer da smell came frm. well, mayb i miss him so much bt em nt sure if he still treat me as sum1 'important' to him. i seriously cant tell. its juz so diff frm da last tym. Its lyk ders no chemistry. em sorry to sae dat in case ur reading dis bt dats hw i feel. wenever i see couples walking happily together, i juz cant stand da sight of dem..mayb em jealous of the happiness they r sharing. -shrugged- nah..i dun wanna think abt it.. so yah, i've uploaded lots of pic: aiman's bdae, kill da boredom and gurlfwens..i juz luv taking pics..cant deny dat..hee. well..i bttr gt started wif ma revision. having moch2 nx wk..and em having ss ppr tmr. its seq..so i hafta study da facts.. ok den... yup..i've changed da skin..again. mayb gonna change it sooner or ltr.. believe it or nt, dis was da fers tym doing it on ma own. usually, i'll ask lina fer help bt mmm uumm..not todae. well, it meets to ma satisfaction. anyway, i was browsing thru ma fwen's blog and surprisingly, i think she was refering to me..it says: Dian-continue to b strong girl, i noe u can do it. we'll see u nx yr in IJC. i mean lyk..i dun expect her to remember me and actually mentioned ma name wif all her current fwens..it felt so gd to noe dat ur pri skul besfwen still cares abt u..nt dat i fergt abt her..bt luking at hw successful she is nw..i felt intimidated.-shrugged- and den i came to realise dat i've always luk up to her as ma role model.. as i recalled, i ever told maself once dat i wanna b lyk her. fers of all.. her outgoing and i-dun-care attitude caught me. mayb bcoz ma pri skul lyf wasnt gd enuf and mayb em nt luved by ma fwens as much and dat i wanna change fer a bttr. i managed to b a bttr person wen i stepped in sec skul..nt saying dat em well-liked bt at least i noe many ppl appreciate ma presence. oder den dat, i admire her intelligence. i wish to b as clever as everyone else. after noeing dat i've bn promoted to changkat..i told maself dat i wun gt easily influenced by da surrounding and dat i'll study hard. once again, i achieved ma goal up to sec 4. nw, ma studies has bn deteriorating. em actually afraid. i juz envy her and d oder ppl who hav dat intelligence dat can bring dem further. em afraid i'll gt stuck to wer i am nw.. O lvl's in 24 daes..and i hope to sit fer da pprs confidently and obtain gd results. i hafta start mugging nw..bt da problem wif me is dat..i always said dat i hafta start nw bt end up having last min revision..i cant do dat fer o lvls..hell no! em trying to search fer da old me back a.s.a.p..da one wif determination to achieve her goals. i've promised mama to werk hard..and so I WILL! oh yah..HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMA! Gt back ma results..its SUX! i dun wish to tok abt it..anyhow..i discovered a few spots on ma back..was wodering why it din go away after sum tym.. den on mondae..ders dis bubble-like thingey growing on top of it.. it freaks me out ayte..it began to itch and da pain is killing me..oder den da itch..it feels lyk sumthing's peirceing thru ma skin..pain ok..den nx dae.. found out dat it spreads to da front part of ma body.. lyk ok..em nt gonna say wer.. figure out urself.. gosh.. nw i cant sleep on ma back or ma front. i can only slp on ma left da whole nyd..and i'll gt cramp in da morning.. wadahell.. it began to deteriorate da following dae..on wed..in skul..i cant tolerate da pain.. during dnt..went to da toilet and unbuckled ma bra..lyk hello..its pressing da bubbles.. ouch..ok..fergt it.. din attend skul todae and wun b going fer tmr either.. ppl..dun miss me ayte..i noe u will bt plz dun..hahha... went to da polyclinic juz nw wif mama..din take dat long coz mama has a pass..or wadever dey call dat..so i told da doc abt dis..she said ermm.. chi ppl call it 'snake'..mama said its 'kayap ular'. She said its due to stress. i cant stressed maself up..or it will produce again..em stress?? -shrugged- hw can i nt gt stress wen o lvls in 25 daes??? so i guess i hafta b a happy-go-lucky gurl.. oh wadahell..i juz hope it will go away sooner..em so tired of tolerating da pain..slpping on one side..unable to sit properly lyk leaning..aaarrggghhh...and ya...i cant perspire..coz it will b damn pain.. so..em excused fer p.e..fer mayb 2 wks..goodie2..bt em so gonna miss playing basketball..boohoo... we started fasting 2 daes ago..bt to me..it doesnt make much diff.. coz i dun really feel hungry or thirsty..i can still go fer band pract.. ppl said u will gt tired and thirsty..nah..u wun.. da parents of ma juniors dun allow dem to go fer band pract coz dey said bleh batal..NO! unlyk woodwind instruments..brass players only put da mouthpiece to their mouth..nt in da mouth..and most of da malays r in da brass sect..so its nt an excues ok..!! i noe it will sound abit shocking..bt i dun put on ma top wen em at home..of coz em in da room alone and locked da door lah..DUH! wad were u thinking..and nothing obscene ok. aaarrrghgghhhhh...!!!!!! its killing me!!!! bttr apply da cream nw..ouch..!!! As u noe..i dun cry easily..i juz cant..bt wen i do..dat really means sumthing's wrong..well..i had a gd cry juz now..interesting huh? I was helping mama in da kitchen.. doing sum food stuff fer aiman's bdae ltr..while doing so..da song dat was playing in da radio happened to b ma dad's favourite karaoke song.. yah.. all da memories came back. i almos cried in front of mama..i dun wan dat to happen coz it will make her sad. so i went to ma room and burst into tears. i juz miss ma dad so much dat it hurts wen i think of it..i recalled da moments we had..all da sacrifices he made..since i was young..ma dad has taken gd care of me.. hes always der wen i nd him.. if em late fer skul..even if hes abt to go to slp..he wud wake up and send me. if em tired and want to go home straight, he wud fetch me even though ders alot of ppl asking fer a taxi ride home..he cud obtain his income bt he sacrificed his tym to pick me up. nt only me..he wud do dat if any of his family members needed help. he always kol me if em alone at home and asked if i want to eat..mama always said dat abah ingat anak2 kat uma..hes so caring.. Usually if i wake up in da morning on saturdaes or came back frm skul..hes always at home..slpping soundly. once he woke up..he wud smoke..its an everydae routine dat even wifout luking..i noe wads he up to.. bt now..i wake up in an empty house on saturdaes..cums back to an empty house..every part of da house..ders memories..i always imagine all his movements..his routine.i miss kissing his hand wen hes off to work and wave gdbye..he usually be back at 9pm to rest fer awhile b4 cont to seek fer income..bt nw..no one cums back to ask fer a massage..no one to fight wif over da tv wen he wanted to check da flight's arrival.. i miss all dat.. I always feel guilty up till now if i think abt da tyms i was rude towards him.. i am so bad.. i shudnt hav raised ma voice..i regretted..one dae he asked if i wanna eat..i was in foul mood dat dae and i wasnt polite at all..if i knew dat will b da last conversation i had wif him..i wudnt raise ma voice..instead i will go to him and kiss him..and say nicely dat i dun feel lyk eating..and appreciate his concern..bt it was all too late..dat was da last tym i heard his voice b4 da stroke attacked him.. 2 months in da hospital..bt hes unable to tok coz his speech was affected.. i miss his voice..i miss his lufter..i miss his jokes..i miss his coughs..i miss da way he sings..i miss da wae he calls me.. i miss da wae he said 'take care'..basically..i miss himm..alot.. i shud appreciate him more..coz nw..i cant find sumone lyk him.. no one can ever replace ma dad..! But all i nd nw is to hav sumone dat can shower me wif his love and noe dat i am sad and lonely..i wan him to fill da emptiness in me.. i wan him to comfort and tell me dat he'll b der fer me..i dun ask fer much.. i juz nd his attention..bt sadly..i dun gt any of dat..i may appear to b strong..bt em nt.. i juz lyk to put up a brave front.. bt em juz torturing maself..and em tired of doing so..bt in order to move on..i hafta b strong.bt em scared.. em afraid i cant go on..fortunately i hav ma 2 gfs dat can cheer me up.. thanx.. Em letting go of ma emotions and thots here..coz i cant bring maself to tell ppl..mayb ma gfs..bt i dun wish to..i bttr stp typing and crying coz i'll b going out ltr..i dun wan dem to see ma swollen eyes.. anyone reading dis..u dun hafta sympathise me..coz i dun ask fer any..till den..luv ya'll! |
