When your world is crumbling down, all you want to do is to curl into a ball, and cry. Ive never been a weakling as to bring my emotions to work. But today, ive lost it.

Having to see my brother after a while, knowing where he is now, i cant help but feeling scared, sad, furious and surprisingly, ive missed him. The moment mama told me that he specifically asked for me, im touched. Im afraid i would cry the moment i see him. Im just hoping everything will go well.

As much as im annoyed with having the kids at home, now that they are big and noisy and naughty, i cant imagine the day when they actually shift. Apart from missing having the kids around, i guess the person i'll miss most, is my sister. For 20 yrs, we shared the same room. Though for the last 4 yrs, we were just a wall apart, even for that min 15 mins of seeing each other everyday, i know shes there. But what will happen when shes gone?

Ive lost my father 6 yrs ago. And it seemed to me like ive also lost my mom too, a couple of months back. She may be physically there, but even so, im not feeling her presence. Everyday when she got back from work, she'll go straight to my brother's room, spent hours of talking over the phone with that shit and eventually, fall asleep. And the cycle continues. Iswear if that shit is going to stay here, i'll either lock myself in the room, or run away. I just cant face them.

I have a lovely boyfriend who would do his best to cheer me up. But i dont know whats wrong with me. Im pushing him away even more. Im sorry love. Its not that i dont need you. I just dont want us to fight just because im in a shity position. Im sorry.

I guess, at the end of this, i'll be a stronger person, for being able to stay strong emotionally. But for now, i'll just keep trying.