StOry Of ma Lyf

2011-12-25T12:35:00.003+08:00

ive never felt so lonely before. putting aside the row im having w bf, i miss my family, so much that it hurts. being at the family gathering, sursounded ay his sibling7, made me miss him even m0re that when i got bk home to the dmpty house, all i could do was to think of him, how my family used to b like. and worse of all i cnt talk abt this to anyone. woke up today, and i cried. i miss him.

2011-12-24T02:53:00.002+08:00

Jealous : Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.

A huge part of me has that. As much as i want it to go away, its not. My suspicion ran wild. Its like i want him all to myself. The thought of them enjoying without me, scares me.

I never wanted to be the control freak coz i dont like to be controlled. But when i keep it to myself, my mood changes. It scares me even more.

I can never be happy...

2011-12-13T02:26:00.001+08:00

i have been giving him the hardest time but he's been great.

sorry love i'llmake it up to you...

2011-10-23T03:55:00.003+08:00

This month has been a roller coster ride for me, emotionally. I thought my moodswing period is over, way over since i left secondary school. But i guess, im still as mean as ever. Why?!?! And the person suffering from my moodswings is none other than, my boyfriend, my oh-so-patient boyfriend.

Ive been trying hard to control my emotions and it has been good for the last 6 years, until recently. My mood can change within seconds and its scaring the shit out of me.

I am sorry, love. I know ive apologised many times but i fear it will happen again, though i wouldnt want it to. The next time it happen, can you please hug me tight, even if i struggle or not returning your hug?

i love you..

2011-08-21T00:53:00.005+08:00

My virgin drive out was to JB, after a month of not driving. JB! Can you imagine? I was just thinking of going around bedok and tampines, or pasir ris at most. But my co-driver insisted on me driving from bedok to jb to fetch mama, at 8pm, and drove back from jb to bedok at 1130pm. By the time we left woodland checkpoint, mama was already asleep and my co driver was head banging. Can u imagine i drove on my own at a speed of 90? i dont. And at jb, i had to drive at a speed of 100-110. OMG! And the lanes were crazy. And the lighting was very poor.

Boyfriend had his revenge. I kept a secret from him about my TP, and so did he. He passed on 19th aug, the day i got to drive out as mentioned above. That sneaky boy. I am very happy for him. But please eh, change you photocard eh. hehe.. I love you...

2011-08-04T03:24:00.002+08:00

I was being such a bitch recently. Not sure if its due to my pms or the ongoing pressure at home. Went to work with no passion or drive. My face was as black as the burnt bbq chicken, that people at work came to realise the difference. And at the end of the day, my boyfriend would always be the one to blame for nothing. Oh i hate myself.

Someone ever told me once upon a time, ' you will, one day, find a man who can tolarate your moodswings.' At that point of time, i gave up on men and i thought, geez, all men are shit. Once they see who i really am, they'll run far far away.

Somehow, a few years down the road, i met him. I dont know how he can tolerate me. I dont know why he can be there for me after all the mean things i did to him. Love? Is love that strong?

Love, i may not be the best gf in the whole wide world. I have lots of flaws which i myself dont like, and dont know how to change them. Indeed, HE put us together for a reason. You are making me into a better person. i daresay, our fights are educational. heh. For that, thank you. Thank you for being there for me eventhough you got pushed away a couple of times. Thank you for not giving up on me. Thank you for the strong love you've showered me with.

Thank you. I love you...

2011-07-18T22:10:00.002+08:00

My sister, finally shifted. I swear that was the hardest thing to do then. Trying to put up a brave, happy front, when all i wanted to do was to drag my sister home. Having amsyar saying,' i wanna go home' when he was already at his new home, didnt help either. I held back my tears when my brother in law drove me home. Awhen i went back to the empty house, i broke down. I missed my sister like crazy. Everyday. Up till now. But im happy that shes happy. On the bright side, i am always welcome to stay over. She would even give me a spare key so that i can go over anytime. :)

I miss playing in the band. I miss the music. I miss the people. I miss the practices and performances. I miss blowing that instrument even if im not good at it.

I miss everything about my past. Why do i have to grow up? hmmm..

For the first time, i fell in love with a cat. I dont hate cats ok. I just dont like it coming close to me. But this particular cat is different. Im drawn towards it. But i dare not touch it. haha.. But looking at it made me happy. Maybe i should reconsider, now that theres no one at home...

Oh, and i passed my TP on 5th july, on my late dad's birthday. I think he was watching over me. Thank you abah..

2011-06-30T00:20:00.002+08:00

When your world is crumbling down, all you want to do is to curl into a ball, and cry. Ive never been a weakling as to bring my emotions to work. But today, ive lost it.

Having to see my brother after a while, knowing where he is now, i cant help but feeling scared, sad, furious and surprisingly, ive missed him. The moment mama told me that he specifically asked for me, im touched. Im afraid i would cry the moment i see him. Im just hoping everything will go well.

As much as im annoyed with having the kids at home, now that they are big and noisy and naughty, i cant imagine the day when they actually shift. Apart from missing having the kids around, i guess the person i'll miss most, is my sister. For 20 yrs, we shared the same room. Though for the last 4 yrs, we were just a wall apart, even for that min 15 mins of seeing each other everyday, i know shes there. But what will happen when shes gone?

Ive lost my father 6 yrs ago. And it seemed to me like ive also lost my mom too, a couple of months back. She may be physically there, but even so, im not feeling her presence. Everyday when she got back from work, she'll go straight to my brother's room, spent hours of talking over the phone with that shit and eventually, fall asleep. And the cycle continues. Iswear if that shit is going to stay here, i'll either lock myself in the room, or run away. I just cant face them.

I have a lovely boyfriend who would do his best to cheer me up. But i dont know whats wrong with me. Im pushing him away even more. Im sorry love. Its not that i dont need you. I just dont want us to fight just because im in a shity position. Im sorry.

I guess, at the end of this, i'll be a stronger person, for being able to stay strong emotionally. But for now, i'll just keep trying.

2011-05-20T03:46:00.001+08:00

who do you run to when ur mother is not there for you?

i dont know whats happening to my family. and i thought ive always gotten the perfect family. im gonna be the lost child. so sad!

2011-04-29T03:45:00.002+08:00

Ive never witness a sleepwalker before until tonight. Imagine having someone walking towards you, from a dark area, with eyes closed, stopped and turned at one point of time and 'talked' to the cupboard, did a 90 degree turn and scratched the body and kept on walking towards us. I swear it looked like the one in the paranormal activity. Scary shit but its hilarious at the same time.

Oh my dear Doctor, u should rest more next time.. hehe.

2011-04-28T03:12:00.003+08:00

Its gonna be almost 2 years now, who could have thought. We may have our differences but its all part of the learning process. We argue or fight every so often, but i know i cant live without him though at times, i just wanna chuck him in a box, wrap it, stick a 'fragile item' sticker on it and then...BUT ain't that too much? i just said i cant live without him. heh. I believe he entered into my life for a reason. To make me a better person. For that, thank you love.

2011-01-18T06:24:00.002+08:00

Ive read so many articles on O level takers, not having their parent(s) around during the life changing examination. It took me awhile to recall, that i am also one of them. My dad passed on on the year i took my o levels. I remembered how i broke down when i failed my prelims and how scared i was about failing when i was doing my papers. And when i received good results, i cant help but hoping my dad was around to share the joy with me.

Goodluck girls/boys. I know u'd do well in life. What doesnt kill u, only make u stronger.

2011-01-08T03:23:00.003+08:00

Everyone seems to be able to recall what happened to them for the past year or so. I dont. :)

Or maybe im not trying.

All i could think of was that i kept cutting my hair short until September, i felt like keeping my hair long and that im virgin no more for hair rebonding, with bangs. heh.

Seriously. For me, it has been work, family and him. I think i only had one holiday trip to batam somewhere around april '10. GOSH! How pathetic can i be?

Maybe the highlight for 2010 was having introducing him to my family, and that for me was huge. I am fortunate to have him, despite all the flaws and the fights, its still him i want to be with, no doubt.

My only regret was not meeting my friends as much as i want to. Theres so many of them im dying to meet. I guess its just an excuse when we say, "oh, im sorry. ive been working". They say, if theres a will, theres a way. All u need is that little effort.

May 2011 be alot better than the last.

2010-12-14T02:33:00.003+08:00

I was browsing through FB and realised, there's quite a number of them got married, at my age. Ok, so maybe, for the girls, its acceptable. But i cant help but thinking, if the boys are about the same age as me, arent they kinda young? i mean, they look so small and young in that baju pengantin, when they should look musculine. Please, dont get me wrong. Im not saying about anyone here. Im happy for those people who are married, envious even, coz they have saved up so much for their special day. Me? haha.. yes mama, it will be in 5-10 yrs time, dont you worry.

Ok, as i was saying, they look so young. Maybe because my sister and cousins got married at the age of 24 and above. Hence, the guy looked acceptable. Or maybe because they are old :)

2010-12-06T20:12:00.003+08:00

I survived the week, thank god. Needless to say, my body almost gave up on me at the end of the week. Having my menses, just made it worst. Today, being lethargic in the early morning wasnt enough. Having to do active resus at the most crucial hour was another. And then, continue with vac dressing. I swear, if i could get someone to drag me home from work, i would. Abdo cramp and backache just had to spice it up. Oh, im loving my life. NOT! Im complaining! But that's all i can do, coz in 2 days time, i have to do the same shit all over again.

My instituition got 1st for ladies and mixed team and overall champ for the netball tounament. Hehe.. And they had to say.." how come cgh is very strong this year?" Heh, that's cute. We had our falls and bruises and slides and bumps and wet shoes, with macerated toes (atleast i had those. hehe) but we've made it..

2010-11-02T03:22:00.002+08:00

The joy of working as a nurse. Its unpredictable...

I swear julie and i can never be in the same team. The combination is just not right. Tested and proven. Today, she's my incharge, and im her junior. Im so sorry about the admissions julie. heh.. I said i would do the INR and sign my name as a staff nurse, but u beat me to it. heh.

Having to be a junior has always been my fear. Like the charts and the time management and changes and the stress. But today, it went beyond that. I, the person who had always skipped onto going for the e-charting talk, had to do e-charting for 3 patients, with no idea at all, not a single bit. Super OMG lor... So now, its the charts, time management, changes, stress and e-charting. But im glad i managed to juggle all of that, of course, with the help of farhana, nisa and huda. And thanks huda, for saying that i looked like a clown each time i do junior. haha. That, had made my day. Thank you.

But of course, the unexpected text to meet up on a weeknight, ended my day beautifully. Thank you love.

2010-10-25T03:51:00.002+08:00

Im so gonna miss this woman once she leaves. There wont be anymore repeating of words/sentences. There wont be anymore weird laughters. Doctors wont get confuse anymore. There wont be random outings just so we could bitch about work or life. I wont have any partner in the 'small-boobs' group. Boohoo.. :(

Let's all quit..

I have the sudden desire to get married stat. Seeing all the beautiful wedding videos and pictures, I too wanna get married. But, and this is a HUGE but, Ive no savings! To have that kinda wedding, i will need LOTS of money. But where can i get them? :(

Will get married in 10 yrs time...

"...I always put u before me..." Love, you're such a sweetheart. I think i have to be less mean :)

2010-10-14T21:58:00.002+08:00

I find this picture retardedly adorable :)

If its not for the person up there, i guess my life would have been different. Thank you love.

Funny how im always the one having weird dreams like fighting with him and get real mad, but his dream end it all with a tragic break up. haha.. poor boy. scare the hell out of him.

"do you love me?"

When u feel real f-up early morning coz work was just crappy, hearing that from the person u love whom just woke up from a terrible nightmare,in a confused state, that just made up for it..

I wouldnt say my relationship has been perfect, but it is beautiful...

2010-09-22T01:41:00.002+08:00

Why are they avoiding me? What have i done? I thought we have mutual understanding? Why the anger and questions?

Imagine how i feel upon receiving that text right after i woke up? That was harsh, my friend, that was. U need an explaination from me in order to ALLOW me to tag along. Since when were u this mean?

If i did something wrong, do tell me. Stop avoiding me...

Or we may just drift apart...

2010-09-15T03:51:00.002+08:00

Its not even a week since raye and yet ive seen a couple of my friends meeting or has been out with their partner. So soon? Or is that the correct way? My mom asked me a few days back, why hasnt helmie come over for raye. Errr...

Bye.

2010-09-13T03:43:00.002+08:00

It seems like im doing this on a monthly basis. Funny, coz i used to be a blogging maniac. And its coincidental for me to always wanting to blog at this particular period of the month :)

Raya has been good so far, apart from having my green packets thinning by the days. But luckily i have given to the important people, young and old, except that i have not yet given to my darling nephew and niece (and they are staying with me. opppps..) I think the care goes beyond the money(at least thats what i think, which i dont think their mother agrees. Oh well..)

Boyfriend has been helpful during the raya prep phase. Mother has been asking for help indirectly. Was that supposed to be a test? She casually asked if i could get certain things from mustapha centre at 10 mins to midnight. Obviously i need him to accompany. So for a few days, he would casually wait for me in my living room while i change, close to midnight. heh.. APPROVED!

Gosh, as im typing right now at 4am, my maid is grinding her teeth. Oh, that sound!!!

I was on leave for a week and ive been sleeping pretty late most days. And i'll be going back to work, tonight! Work, please be nice to me..

I realised ive not been meeting up with my friends. Why? Am i that busy for a drink or dinner? Or am i just not making an effort? I need a spank.

imy...

2010-08-13T16:11:00.002+08:00

Hello again.

Its been awhile. Lots of things happened since the last entry. But u cant expect me to recall everything. :)

My 22nd was better than my 21st. Lets start with that, shall we? (eventhough it is so overdue)

Why was it better? First of all, i wasnt quarantine for h1n1 :) Boyfriend was being an angel, trying to put up a great day for me. Brought me up to the skypark, paid for dinner and the singing session. God knows how long it took him to save up the money and then just spent it like that. I felt guilty. But he kept reassuring me. Brought his friends in for the surprise and all. Thank you love. What more can u ask for, to have your family, your girlfriend and your boyfriend, all in the same room, on my birthday? Maybe some would say, what's the big deal? That's where you're wrong. Coz ive never had my boyfriend over for such event. And to think it was my mother who invited him. :)

Work has been ok i guess. Crazy as ever. Friends come and go. Speaking of which, am i easily being taken advantage of? -shrugged-

Get well soon boyfriend. :)

2010-07-13T01:33:00.002+08:00

Speechless.

I dont have a word to describe how i felt at that moment. Or maybe i do.

Hurt. Shocked. Disbelief. Angry. Confused.

I really have no idea what you were thinking, seriously. Im still mad at you. But as much as i hate you for acting that way, i miss you. I miss you a hell lot.

So i keep asking myself. Is it worth staying if something like this would happen again? Everytime i think of you, my heart aches. And its just frustrating to wanting to cry but refusing to.

I wish things were different. I very much want to hug you, but should i? What you did was not up to my likings and i have my reasons. And i didnt expect anyone to listen to me.

Hmm.. whatever. I give up.

2010-07-01T17:08:00.002+08:00

We were supposed to give her a surprise, Which only ended up me getting the surprise. Im not sure what u guys were thinking. U might think im making such a big deal when i juz hung up the phone but honestly, i was freaking hurt. Though it was a last min prep, u could have at least update me way before. You make me feel like an outsider. I dont care if u think im being an atittude bastard, but for now, i wouldnt want to talk to u guys.

Till then...

2010-06-25T01:35:00.003+08:00

Ive just tasted my first bonus. Alhamdulillah..

But thinking of all the bills i have to pay, the resposibilities i have to fullfill, saddened me right away. If only im rich. Or comes from a rich family. Or have someone to pay the bills for me and insisted to have my money saved. Or not to be an adult right after i graduated from school.

If only...

Sometimes, when people asked for money, i decline. Im not selfish. But ive to think for myself and family.

For the past 3 months, i was poorer than poor. i seemed to be cashless, literally, 1-2 weeks before my pay day. I would asked mself. Where have all the money gone to? How much have i spend? Was i that spendthrift? And then i remembered. I had responsibilities. And people always thought that i only had to pay for my handphone bill. I wish it could be just that.

Living with a single parent, a sister who's married with 2 kids and a maid, a brother who's not working and therefore, no income, would not make it easier for me to escape. I can already feel the stress where money is concern. No wonder my late dad used to nag and always stressed himself out when its time to pay the bills. How did he raise his children up by just driving the cabby. I miss him.. And how i wish he could taste a little bit of my hard earned money, at least a little bit of burden lifted off from his shoulders. If only he could live a little longer..

If only...

I am such an emotional wreck. And yet, ive to smile for the people who loves me...

Im farking demoralised!

2010-06-22T21:27:00.002+08:00

i wish i am...

prettier
thinner
healthier
flawless
radiant
wiser
nicer

happier..

i wish....

2010-06-16T15:58:00.002+08:00

Happy 12th :)

This month, we spent time together...

Without your freinds or mine...

Without your parents or nieces...

Its just, you and me...

2010-06-16T13:57:00.002+08:00

We've turned ONE today.

Im glad, and happy of course. But there's something troubling me. It didnt occur to me when it was first mentioned. But now it does..

I remember looking at the file and thinking what and how should i request, and i thought, i would be able to spend time with someone.

And when the day comes, Im lying on my bed, reading, on a wet cold day. No doubt, the weather's agreeing with me.

And this is sooo much fun, NOT!

2010-05-21T00:28:00.002+08:00

Things at work can be so shitty and at the end of the day, you just wish you could sleep and dont care about the world. But the first thing that came into my mind, was to meet up with you. If only i knew...

Time and again, i asked myself. How long would i want to stay in that ward, or for that matter, in that hospital? Sometimes, its just too much to handle. And some people can be so freaking unappreciative. If you think u're good enough and would be able to give service from the heart, why dont u try using your brains and shut your bloody mouth and take up nursing. Its easy for you to say. f*ckd up bitch.

It doesnt pay to be nice. Or maybe, i should just be mean.

2010-05-17T01:10:00.009+08:00

Thank you helmie, fathiah and hafiz for the 3d2n. I had fun. And i finally swam in that pool after much contemplations, even after we checked out and i had to rinse myself at the open shower and changed in the non ventilated toilet with no mirror and you two had to wait for me under the hot sun, with the heat that made you sweat like crazy. Of course, to you, for swimming with me.

And while swimming, i realised my boyfriend could swim, even if its for a short distance. hehe.. But he'll suffocate himself soon if he's still refusing to lift up his head and breathe. More lesson needed k mie? :) Nevertheless, im still proud of you honey-bunny. wooohooooooo!!!!

Thank you for being there with me through out, even when i didnt treat you well. Happy 11th. ily.

"...The smile on your face, lets me know that you need me. There's a truth in your eyes, saying you'll never leave me. The touch of your hand, says you'll catch me whenever i fall. You say it best, when you say nothing at all..."

2010-05-13T00:06:00.004+08:00

Cant believe that ive actually told mama about him. And somewhat, it came out naturally. It was planned, but natural. Get it? And i cant believe even more when she appeared sexcited, oppss.. i mean excited that i have gotten myself a boy-friend, coz she thinks that im too fierce to have one.

"...but he got tell u before that he likes u or not.. that he wants to stead with u..."

STEAD? Ma, its 2010. That was so pri school.

Oh mother... :)

What happened tonight was a coincidence. Mother nature just felt like pouring down heavy droplets right after he dropped me off. He was stuck. And mama was walking home from mak's place. And so.. they've met.

Hey u, now u know how terrifying it can be. I was nervous too, but thank goodness, it went well.

We dont have to hide or run away anymore, though that was me.. :)

2010-05-07T00:58:00.002+08:00

You and I must make a pact, we must bring salvation back
Where there is love, I'll be there
I'll reach out my hand to you, I'll have faith in all you do
Just call my name and I'll be there

I'll be there to comfort you,
Build my world of dreams around you,
I'm so glad that I found you
I'll be there with a love that's strong
I'll be your strength,
I'll keep holding on

Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter
Togetherness, well that's all I'm after
Whenever you need me, I'll be there
I'll be there to protect you, with an unselfish love that respects you
Just call my name and I'll be there...

You have proven to me that ur not all strong and insensitive. For that, i thank you for showing me your true self.

2010-04-22T00:04:00.002+08:00

I had to do incharge in team 3 after a week break. And being in that team for the 2 days was crazy. I went home at 0030hrs on monday, ran from the hospital to the busstop to catch my last bus. Didnt eat anything the whole day. Next morning, left hospital at 1830hrs, had my first meal at 1800hrs..

And then i asked myself..

Should i stay or should i go?

Maybe i should stay, but till when coz working there is simply, MADNESS!

2010-04-19T00:25:00.004+08:00

Walked and cycled with selheng. thanks for the company. i need to clear my head.

Accompanied rafta for bday gift. Loved the company as well.. thanks love.

And thats how we celebrated our 10th.. :)

2010-04-14T01:10:00.002+08:00

What is this, the blaming period? My friends, my colleagues and even u.. everyone is blaming me. All at once. Thank you people. I really needed all that for my leave.

And to you, im blogging coz i want to and thats my problem. Its not for u to use it against me each time we fight. Grow up please. Just so u know, that sentence was very hurtful.

2010-04-11T02:38:00.003+08:00

A particular song reminded me of us and it got me thinking...

Why cant everyday be like how it used to, when just a smile could send a shiver down my spine?

I remembered how meeting u would feel like a challenge to me for i had to use all my strength to stand upright, to keep my hands steady even when my heart was trying to squeeze itself out of the cavity, or to put on a thick layer of blusher just so u cant see me blush. Im not saying all those excitments have vanished. Im still very much in love with him :) but its just not as intense. Is it because we are getting used to each other?

I envy those elderly couples who would walk side by side holding hands or give each other a look which only the two of them could understand. I would question myself; how could they maintain that relationship with such strong bond? Has it occur to u before?

Bear in mind, this entry has got nothing to do with me having problems with him. Its just out of curiousity.

I want to make everyday, like its the first!

nga minggo chitte!

2010-03-30T15:26:00.003+08:00

When working on sunday feels like monday, i cannot imagine how's like working on monday morning itself. Well, maybe i do. It was...

HORRIBLE!

After i passed over to the night staffs on sunday evening, i knew id have lots of procedures to follow up. What i didnt know was how terrible it could get when things didnt go as planned. Nothing i say here would allow u to imagine how ridiculous the day was for me and my other team 3 nurses. Im sorry ladies. i guess im the jinx. :(

But at 1715hours, when im finally done(pls note that im supposed to end work at 1430hours), when i saw ur bag, i literally smile wide. im serious. I dont know why. Maybe im just missing u. I snatched the nearest paper i could get and written down a 'love' note, which i thought i could have written it nicer if i knew u would post it somewhere :) But yeah, twas a relief to see your bag and crumpled clothes. Gosh, i now sounded like a psycho. haha..

Moving on...

Went for a 'date' with julie for retail therapy, but as usual, i didnt spend as much as i planned to, which ended with julie saying, "kau ni slalu try try barang tapi end up tak beli". Well girl, u know me. So stop nagging. But 'when in rome' was hilarious. Go catch it if u haven.

The best part was when ur all tired from working and walking, a hug from YOU was all i could asked for. Thankyou love.

ps, long hair or short hair, im still in love with you...

2010-03-17T18:15:00.010+08:00

I could have delivered a baby if i were to be pregnant. 9 months, not bad...

1st- I was the first to wish and u werent satisfied.

2nd- I let u wish first but i dont really remember what happened exactly, do u? hee..

3rd- U were my hero for saving my life, from a crazy cat. :)

4th- Ate at pastamania. And then u told me about joining their family. No wonder u brought me there.

5th- I dont really remember what happened on the 16th coz to me, ur 23rd was more important. I gave u a surprise, somehow. hehe..

6th- U were late for our date but i remembered eating alot.

7th- No picture taken coz we fought at marina barrage on the night itself and didnt speak to each other for 2 days max.

8th- In collaberation with Vday and u surprised me.

9th- We celebrated with ur family and ur parents ate the cake that i bought for us :(

I cant wait to see what happen next... :)

2010-03-14T01:39:00.002+08:00

5 years ago, my dad was still alive. I could touch him, i could hug him, i could smell him. But now, i can just look at his pictures. How fast time flies. i miss you.

Im on night now. gonna do my 2am iv. 0800hrs, please come faster!!

2010-03-06T03:15:00.002+08:00

Ive got 4hours till the end of shift. Im trying really hard to keep my eyes open. 0800hours, please come faster!

I started driving the other day and proud to say i did not kill anyone. Apart from the tryout with selina, i have never driven a car, a manual one at that. And having the practical at 8am, u would expect having lots of vehicles around me. But i survived.

Sadly, i have to keep my eyes off the new clothes or bags or shoes if i want to safe the money on practs. Plus, genting in may, i have to atleast save $400. Can i have more money please? Or should i just marry a rich ass man? Anyone?

10 more days... :)

2010-02-18T01:10:00.009+08:00

He gave me a pleasant surprise which was super unexpected. I seriously did not see it coming.

There was a bottle of love letters...

And there was literally a love note written on a heart shape paper...

And the little hearts...

And then, a watch...

I was speechless and was touched by his gesture. All i did was smile...

It may not be a gift from Tiff and Co. or anything va-va-voom, but his creativity was _______ (i couldnt find the appropriate word) Smile, thats the best i could do.

ily. happy 8th.

After so long of not meeting them, i spent my happy i-love-you day singing, or rather, shouting and screaming, supper and laughing with them.

xoxox.

I have no idea doctors would recognise your face and remember how u look like. Apparently, a few of them noticed my hair and commented. Strange.

2010-01-27T16:55:00.003+08:00

On my last entry, i stated that i'd be on night and hope to have a good night, am i right? Well, it WASNT a good night at all!!!

Im so used to doing stuff nurse job that when i had to do junior work, i got lost. Its not that im not sure of what im doing, im just not sure how to manage my time. :( But thank you nisa and dayang for being patient with me. I knew i passed over like shit. Sorry.

And JB trip wasnt that fun either. I didnt get enough sleep the night before and the whole thing was terrible. Lunch and dinner were provided but we had to eat at petronas coz the restaurant wasnt halal. Paintball was fun but some people are just blind. 3 of my girls were down with faulty 'guns' and the game masters were checking the guns but those hooligans just had to shoot them. Post paintball, i sustained 2 injuries. One on my left shin, another on my non existing boobs.

Go kart was fun but seeing nisa squeezed into her go kart was funnier. They wasted alot of time there. My whole body was giving up on me, i kept yawning and just wanted to go home. My wish came true at 2300hrs.

Im in love with a cheecky boy :)

2010-01-21T11:43:00.005+08:00

Getting into a fight is part of being in a relationship, that's what people say. And its healthy. hmm.. Its tiring to try very hard to stay strong, that at times, i just give up and do what girls do best, cry. :) Its unintentionally, if u must know. Im a girl afterall. :) Nevertheless, ily.

Being a nurse, u have to always be prepared: mentally, physically and emotionally. For example;

Only a few days back, i wasnt incharge of the team, and i dont get much of that these days. It was a sudden change of assignment that i had to follow. And the best part was, im supposed to end work at 1430hrs. So, mentally and emotionally, im prepared. I had no idea what were the changes for the day. All i knew was that ive got 6 discharges. Yes, 6! Im prepared to help my incharge to discharge all those 6 patients. What im not prepared was, to suddenly be incharge of the team. You see, my incharge fell and fractured her coxxyc after lunch and was in severe pain that she had to go to A&E, approximately at 1300hrs. For nurses, you all know that 1300hrs is the crucial time. Ok, i dont mind passing the report for her and do all the discharges,but she havent even written a single report! OMG! Can u imagine how freaked out i was?

With the help of my friends, i managed to finish everything by 1630hrs. So much for ending my work at 1430hrs. So u see, we must always be on the ball, just in case things like this happen. And who says all we have to do is to clean peoples' butt. How i wish its that simple.

I'll be on night tonight. Dear God, please let the nice HOs be on-call tonight and please make tonight a good night. :)

I cant wait for Saturday! A trip to JB with friends. Yayness!

2010-01-16T23:27:00.005+08:00

I realised, going out with juliana mesdi is very dangerous coz at the end of the day, we'll be carrying a couple of paper bags. Nevertheless, i had fun shopping with her. :)
A friend randomly called me up on a sleepy sunday morning for a match under 'Union' and we were representing cgh. Well, it was worth the effort coz we were the champion at the end of the day, with $1000 in hand. Like i said, always the smallest, yet the strongers :)

Work has been ok, i guess. Managing. I shall not say i love my job, but i wont say i hate it either.

I havent been to changkat band ever since last year's SYF, that's like a year ago. Had a quick reunion with the alumni today. Didnt expect a big group though. Its like a class of alumni. Sadly, i had to rush off to work and missed out on the fun, again! :(

Emotions = roller coster.

Am i happy? Or am i just pretending?

Happy 7th, not!

2010-01-06T01:26:00.003+08:00

Gawd, i feel like a selfish bitch. but what should i do? I wanna be there for u. But its difficult. Why isit happening?

As soon as u told me, my mind went, blank! Ive got nothing to expect, seriously. Alot of things kept running through my head. I cannot imagine how u feel, whats going through ur mind. But i do know, its far worse than mine. I know i haven been that supportive as how i said i would. Its difficult, really. Im just trying to avoid the negative thoughts. And i doubt things will be the same after this.

Like i said, im scared for me, im scared for you, im scared for us.

Im just praying things would get better.

Im sorry.

2009-12-31T11:15:00.002+08:00

Im reading a book which has a phrase, 'EVERYBODY LOVES NURSES BECAUSE THERES SOMETHING BOTH KINKY AND CARING ABOUT THEM.' I have no idea why people always have that perception. :)

2009-12-30T22:13:00.002+08:00

Why am i being mean, when they are not even at fault?

Its been awhile since i blogged. I dont even know where to start.

Lots of things happened for the past weeks. my friend got engaged, ward had xmas party, shopped alot with the girls, went for the singapore idol finale for the first time(thank you fathiah) and well, been cranky and grumpy and mean to him. Pretty unpredictable. Im not sure how long he can tolerate.

Work has been crazy, as usual. Like today, i thought i could have gone for lunch but 2 things happened at the same time. One was unpredictable, another was unnecesarry. But im glad ive got such good colleagues to help me out. Thank you.

Please stop me from getting all moooooody.

2009-12-17T01:50:00.002+08:00

Oblivious? -shrugged-

2009-12-04T00:36:00.010+08:00

You wouldnt believe the joy of having only two sn, instead of three, during night shift. NOT! I now fully understand why my seniors are greatly thankful to have an extra sn, to help around with the iv and stuff. One person really do make ALOT of difference. It could have been busier but still, i was on my feet most of the time, other than when i was writing my report. Just when i thought things couldnt get any worse, like 90% of them needed a new plug! And all of them have super fine or difficult veins. Im sorry mr HO2, for having to call you every now and then, only to help me set plugs, just so i could give my IVs. :) I do not want another crazy night, please.

________________

We ate in silence, walked in silence, giving each other hints that we both didnt want to act that way but we still did. And when we found a perfect spot, a hug could just break that barrier. "...what happened sia..." haha, i have to say, that was kinda cute.

With only two hours of sleep, it was sweet of u to accompany. U were tired, i noticed. Dragging your feet, swaying from left to right, trying hard to keep your eyes open, and yet, u managed to smile just to reassure me. Silly boy.

When the heavy cloud shifted...

And the sun reappeared...

Thank you.

2009-12-01T13:22:00.012+08:00

Well, hello again. Didnt realise ive been away for 2 whole weeks, and i thought i just blogged yesterday. Ouh, i usually planned to blog when i get home and has already put the words beautifully in my head, which only ended up, "..im tired, will blog tmr.." and tmr will always be tmr.. hehe..

Now that im blogging, my mind totally went, BLANK!

Went to bugis the other day for dinner and crazy shopping (which i didnt get myself anything) and twas kinda fun. :) I tried on the specs like nobody's business.

I surprised him with a belated gift. :) Fetched him from work and.. TADDAAAA!

Silence, smiling..

And then, he couldnt wait... haha.

After much contemplations, i've FINALLY gotten myself a NEW phone, with a good price. I can finally call out without getting frustrated. I can finally text without the phone switching off by itself. Since my old phone sucked all the patience out of me, im glad the new one is not as lag. And so, im back to using Nokia, after the last 3310. hehe.. Goodbye sony ericsson, so long LG, Hellllloooo Nokia... :)

A little note for muhammad syafiq bin rashid: im sorry darling that ur jealous of my phone.. so long, sucker... wahuahua :)

I miss my friends, those whom i havent seen for ages, someone in particular.

You may not hear from me, nor i would from you coz i know we both are busy, but that shouldnt be the reason for not meeting up. Sometimes i would ask myself, how have u been? is she good? is she happy? hows her family? I miss those times when i just do a random visit to ur home and slack there like its my own. I really hope to see u soon. Im not sure of ur schedule. I'll be free this whole week. Give me a call when ur not having any dk pract or whatsnot. Tc gf..

2009-11-17T14:42:00.003+08:00

161109

Im not usually the type to burst into tears whenever im sad, at least not infront of anyone. I'll hide under my pillow. Hehe. Anyway, after all the effort of staying strong, i finally broke down infront of the one person i love. He saw me at my most vulnarable. Its embarrassing, but i cant help it. Jo, im sorry for reacting that way. Three consecutive days huh? No wonder you couldnt tolerate further. :( Happy 5th.

171109

Well, well, whos a year older now. Im glad i went over, eventhough it was from east to west. But when i saw that expression on ur face, who cares abt the 1.5hours of journey. hehe..

selamat hari tue!

2009-11-12T23:35:00.002+08:00

I guess my pms mode is on. :(

People can be so annoying when they want to be. I seriously couldnt stand her nonsensical 'orders'. What am i? Your personal maid? Hello! Ive got better things to do. Urgh! you are so difficult. I dont like you.

Im not sure why im mad at you. Im sorry. Im missing you though.

2009-11-11T00:54:00.003+08:00

A simple gesture, yet it brought a smile to your face. Im glad :) ily.

2009-10-26T23:59:00.000+08:00

A day to remember... thank you, mr :)

The girls. Sentosa. 21st oct. Love. xoxox.

I wanted to type out a long story from these two events but some things are better left unsaid. Let it stay in my heart and mind.

Let's do it again! :)

2009-10-08T23:43:00.003+08:00

I dont think people actually understand why im really particular abt that matter. Why would they? Coz it didnt happen to them.

Im tempted...

There's something u need to know. I may not look like i care, but i do. I just dont show it..

2009-10-07T23:25:00.004+08:00

What the F!

Respect my ass. Im utterly disappointed with u. U had the cheek to even say that? So much for thinking, "oh, he could resist, no matter what". Trust? huh, whats that? Honey,uve just lost it.

I had an issue with trusting guys but i thought i could with this one. But it has been proven. Thanks.

Im in no mood. So, back off.

Ive been hurt alot, and i dont think i deserve anymore of it.

2009-10-07T00:33:00.003+08:00

I survived my first night. And i think i did pretty well. So much for thinking im an IV nurse when i hafta do incharge. But im glad i was given the opportunity. Thank you. :)

I had a super long night. From waking up at 1000hrs on monday morning and had to work on night. Once done with passing report on tue morning, i had to prepare the fondue,which me and yas did it in a rush. By 12 noon, my eyes cant take it anymore. But i supposed, our fondue turned out quite good. I hope it tasted good as well.

U smoke? Id be disappointed if u did.

2009-10-05T00:18:00.005+08:00

I did a few stupid quizes from fb. Hate to say that some of the comments are true, be it good or bad. haha..

what type of girls are you?
"...You're very very pretty but you just keep denying that you are. You love sports and you love to hang out with friends. You also love boys but your too shy to talk to them. (;..."

why do boys like you?
"...smile. boys like you for your smile. you love to smile . your smile can light up the day. <3..."

what kind of gf are you?
"...Best Girlfriend EVER!You are completely caring, understanding, and best of all LOVING!..."

what do people actually see u as?
"...The Beautiful One. You are beautiful inside and out. And since it comes so natural, everybody else sees that too. People see you as a social butterfly, nice and attractive. Never PURPOSELY doing something to hurt someone else..."

who will u fall for?
"...Someone you've been with before. You have been with this man/woman one time or another. Your relationship fell a part or you just had a falling out. It wasnt a bad break-up. You guys will meet up again and fall madly in love with each other once more, but with better results..."

The last one was utterly nonsensical. Like oh-so-not-true. I wouldnt wanna be in that situation, AGAIN!

Tomorrow's gonnna be my first night as a staff nurse. Please let it be smooth.

Sometimes, im contradiction myself.

2009-10-03T22:34:00.002+08:00

Mom cracked me up early morning. Both of us were dressing up for work. She was contemplating on which bra to wear. And when she saw mine, she wanted to wear the same. haha.. So, the both of us were wearing a pair of super hot pink lingerie (im not sure of the spelling, heh),walking around the room. The only thing we didnt do was to take a picture of us both with just that. haha..

Moving on...

Sometimes, i do feel that im taking advantage of u. Thoughts like, "do i deserve him?" , sometimes came across. I am obviously oblivious to what i do or say to others that might scratch their tiny lil heart. I wouldnt know why i react that way. And when it happens, initially, id blame the other party but subsequently, i'll blame myself. That's how the "do i deserve him?" came about. And ive no idea why im ignoring u today.. Im sorry. take care.

2009-10-02T01:53:00.003+08:00

I have no idea why in the first place i took up nursing. If i remember correctly, it was a spontanous decision. It was between nursing and early childhood coz i know for sure, i hate office job. I preferbly not want to take engineering coz its pretty difficult for girls to succeed. What's left?

Work is HORRIBLY tiring at times. :(

And mr pimple is everywhere. Times like this, i wish we are wearing mask. :(

2009-09-26T00:34:00.003+08:00

He was well when we last saw him, on first day of raye.. and then, ive got the news.

0200- time of death.

0400- brought home from hospital.

1200- left for burial at pusara abadi.

Ive no idea when was the last time i visited the cemetry, and ive missed it. Since we're there already, we visited afew 'houses'. I was fine, till i went over to my dad's. I just cant control my tears. Ive missed him.

He has been such a sweety. Thank you friend. :)

2009-09-11T00:11:00.002+08:00

"...hmm.. i realise u're not really in de mood to talk to me. sorry if i've been neglecting the friendship/sisterhood we have.. actually it doesnt even deserve an IF. i really have been neglecting u. sorry for being such a horrible horrible fren. just that i've got so many things going on. work, dikir, fadhil, family. yah u might say it's all just reasons n more reasons. i mean, u've been quiet.. so i suppose u've been a hell lot busy. im ashamed at how i've so called "treasured" this friendship.again im really sorry. if u think u wana forgive me, just buzz me then we'll go out sometime. and catch a movie n catch up on ol' times. if u think im raking up reasons to cover up my sorry ass, den i believe i've tried my very best to convince u how sorry i am. my parents always keep asking for u.. soo dont think u're being pushed aside and left forgotten. i might not show it.. but u sure as hell shld noe that u're being missed..."

I brokedown. And that's what i need..

2009-09-10T22:40:00.002+08:00

I hate it when my switch suddenly flick. Its just beyond control. And then i'll get angry with everything and everyone. I think i need to go for anger management. Like STAT.

I seriously want to be a better person. I envy those people with a genuine heart and are kind by nature. I think i have to try very hard to be kind. I very much dont want to be like how i was in secondary school. At times i really hate myself. But what am i supposed to do. Am i having issues with myself?

I may look happy, but am i?

2009-09-10T00:57:00.006+08:00

She would bug u for the little details u've missed but i think thats what we need. Whos gonna nag at us now. Lately shes been fun, somehow. Gonna miss her. :)

Ayra is looking more like her brother and her brother is becoming more like a monster. Im not kidding.

Work has been ok, i guess. I cant say its good coz there were bad times. I cant say its bad coz there were good times. But im glad shes there coz shes able to understand the situation and the frustrations and the shitty things we need to do. xoxox..

And as for u, gf, i have nothing else to say. Really, i dont. tc!

My pms mode is on. I pity him. Thanks for tolerating, love. :) get well soooon!

2009-09-08T13:19:00.002+08:00

I had the weirdest dream ever. I cried on your wedding day. But why?

Its almost 3 months and i think the excitement is wearing off. And now im doubting myself. opppsss....

2009-09-02T23:56:00.002+08:00

Money..

Why is it so darn important nowadays?

Ive been working for at least 4 months and ive been giving away money since then. Or rather, ive been asked to give away my money. Well, i dont mind, really i dont. Since its for the family contribution. But some of the things are really not worth giving. Like seriously. U want an example? I can give u one.

Mom and 'someone' bought a car awhile ago, under mom's name. None of us knew til she had to break the news of whos gonna pay for it since that 'someone' couldnt pay for it. Seeing that my sis is not working full time, and brother, oh brother, loves spending money and im finally working and maybe has the highest basic, mom thinks i can pay half or even 3/4 of it. BUt i really dont think its fair. Like, u decided to get the car with that 'someone' and when that 'someone' cant pay for it, we have to deal with it. Here's the sad part. Its a damn expansive car for an average income family and its a weekend car and NOONE is using it. Only occasionally, my brother in law would use it. So the car would be left at the carpark most of the time but yet we are paying monthly for it. Like whats the point!

I can be very calculative if i want to. I know i shouldnt be selfish but i have my plans. I try to give what i can. I hope they understand. And its all about monnnneeeeyyy!

On a lighter note, i love h1.

xoxox, h2.

2009-08-24T00:16:00.002+08:00

I came up with the idea of not meeting. He obviously disagree with it, up till today. Its only been 3 days and im already giving up. Stubborn as i am, i refused to meet. :( Yea yea, im such an idiot, i know. But lets look on the bright side. Im missing him, alot.. And each day, im falling deeper than yesterday. People say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. We'll just have to find out if its true.. :)

2009-08-23T00:07:00.002+08:00

Why did i even bother voluntering myself for the talk, was beyond me. Like juliana, i had to drag my ass to NSC on saturday. Wait, i'll rephrase that. I had to drag my ass to NSC on my OFF day! The talk was alright, i guess. But those few made my day. If its not for them, i could have fallen asleep. At least they make me laugh and stay awake. haha.. Ouh, i saw my friend, unexpectedly. But he couldnt recognised me initially. Thanks eh shufi.. -roll eyes-

I should have taken the bus to geylang. If its not for that woman, i would still have 3 digits in my account. The funny thing was, we blamed each other and we said the exact same thing at the exact same time with the exact same tone. How annoying. haha.. Nevermind. Pay day, come soon. :)

I kept telling him that one month wont be long for us not to see each other. But am i lying to myself? Im already missing him.. :(

2009-08-22T00:03:00.002+08:00

I haven't seen that smile on your face for years. I saw it today. When i did, i realised, i never visualised u with a smile. And ive missed it. Ive missed that look. Ive missed that comforting smile. But most of all, ive missed u.. And today, i cried. Over the shoutings and the screamings of the grandson u never got to see, ive shed tears for u, wishing u could still be here with me...

Ive found someone, and he smell just like. I cant help but to snuggle up to him and thought it was u.

I should have savour those little moments left with u, but i didnt. Coz i thought u will always be there. I thought wrong and only got myself to blame.

Im sorry, abah.

2009-08-17T17:05:00.002+08:00

Yey, my internet's back.

Will be back to complete the template.

Later...

2009-07-26T21:01:00.003+08:00

Happy birthday to me...! :)

You surprised me with ur creativity. I didnt expect any of it. To me, all those are bonus coz like i told u, ur presence is my present. Thank you.

Thank you to those who wished me and hoped for my speedy recovery. I feel so loved. :)

And thank you jub, for appearing at my doorstep at 0940hrs. Do i look pretty in pjs? haha.. Thanks for the cake. Amsyar loves it.

bye.

2009-07-18T16:03:00.002+08:00

Its been a month. So far so good. :)

I haven't seen alot of my friends and i do wanna see them. Meet up soon people!

Gf, i dont know why but its been so long. When ur done with ur ndp thing, find me. Coz its tiring for me to find u.

2009-06-14T21:12:00.002+08:00

A friend once said, "...I know u're afraid of hurting people's feelings. I guess in a way you were protecting yourself too. so you tend to have this cold front to stop people from coming any closer..."

I realised, she was right. Like totally.

Im contradicting myself, again.

2009-06-05T22:02:00.002+08:00

hello :)

I see couples everywhere. -roll eyes-

I have a monster for a nephew, like literally.

I need more money, stat.

I need a hug, badly.

take care :)

2009-05-27T21:19:00.005+08:00

Ive graduated baby! I wish Abah was there..

2009-05-17T19:50:00.003+08:00

Ive been to the ward for a week now and i hate doing day shift. Darn tiring. The moment i stepped into the ward, i questioned myself if twas wise of me to go back to my PRCP ward. The atmosphere was different and the staffs know my strengths and weaknesses. And since im doing junior now and float everywhere, people take us for granted. Yes, julien and yasmin included. Hmm, nevertheless, i'll try my best to achieve my goals. 25th, come quick please.

I have questions to ask. Do answer to these questions urself ok. Scenerio: in the bus.

1) Why do nurses are expected to give away their seats to others(elderly, disabled and pregnant woman excluded)?

2) Why do nurses get the 'look' when they dont sacrifice their seats?

It got me thinking while i was on my way home. Nurses are people too. Ok, i know that we should be the 'nice' 'caring' 'thoughtful' people but hello, we also do get tired. People have no idea what kind of things we do and how tired we can get at the end of the day. I just dont understand these people.

I saw him...

And my heart ached, instantly. Why? Both of us looked stunned but i just walked passed him like hes just another person there. I hope that will be the last time we bump into each other coz if it happens again, its not gonna help either of us.

I should learn how to let go...

Yes, i finally got my hair cut. To a new begining... :)

2009-05-04T22:01:00.001+08:00

I realised some of my friends are going through the same shits as me, someone in particular. We shall face the obstacles together ok. Love u all.. :)

2009-05-02T14:41:00.002+08:00

Of all days, why must it be that day? I swear ur the last person i wanna see. I have no idea how i reacted but i think it was kinda obvious that i dont wanna see u. And it was disgusting. Period.

Should i even entertain him? i dont feel like it. I dont know what's wrong with me.

I need my friends. Where are they?

2009-04-26T13:09:00.003+08:00

It was unexpected, to have u apologising in less than 2 years. I would love to keep our friendship but it has been proven that we can not even come close without getting ourselves into trouble. Please do me that favour. Happy birthday.

Work has taken up all my time. Amsyar has taken up all my remaining energy. So, no doubt i have been grumpy n moody for the past few days. I think im TIRED! At the end of the day, most of my friends get to see, hug, whinge, vent their anger on the person known as the 'boyfriend'. Me? I go home to a messy house, toys all over the place.

Talking about amsyar afiq, hes a big boy now. Smelly and noisy and naughty and attention seeking and drama mama and eats alot, anything and everything. Super active. Anyone interested in taking care of that little monster, please contact me. heh.

look at what hes doing..

Nowadays, i dont really trust guys. I cannot trust them. Im sorry guys.

I think im contradicting myself. I want a boyfriend, but i cant trust any of them to make me feel happy and secure. And come to think of it, having one will just create more problem for me. Oh well, if i can survive 5 years without one, whats another 5 years. I hope by then i have one. I'll be 26yrs old!

I want MONEY! 7th and 25th, please come faster.

I miss my dad.

2009-04-21T22:29:00.002+08:00

Sometimes i wonder if im a strong person, not physically i mean, though i AM strong, but mentally, emotionally. Am i?

Im abit on the downside recently.

2009-04-20T21:41:00.001+08:00

Im baaaaaaack! :)

You have no idea how many people have been bugging me to blog. Chill man. Unfortunately, my batt's flat now. Till then.... tc. :)

2009-02-20T01:29:00.003+08:00

Well, history repeats itself. How can i not see it coming. Ok, maybe i did but why did i let it be? I would love to say, " do NOT in any circumstances come into my life ever again". but its not fair. I dont know how true those words are but for now, i'd love to just put it at the back of my head.

I hope the interview goes well.

I want to start a whole new life but im not sure if im confident enough.

I think im not a happy girl afterall.

And i miss my dad.

2009-02-12T23:56:00.000+08:00

HELLOOOO! :)

Too many things have happened, i dont even know where to start..

-Ive ended my PRCP. Alhamdulillah, it went well. Love the ward. Great people to work with. I dont mind going back to that ward. :)

-Amsyar's 1st birthday was fun. Many thanks to gf and her bf for the pictures. Amsyar is sooo adorable, i bet u guys wanna bring him home. Im serious.

-I would love to go out and work BUT ive to take care of Amsyar since we sent Kani home, like FINALLY! So now, im Amsyar's full time nanny. How depressing. I can only go out and enjoy myself at night or when there's someone to take care of Amsyar. What makes u think i would want to bring him around? I'll look like a teenage mom! There goes my chance of getting a bf. YES, im STILL single. whoopedoodeedoo...

People come and go. Though we may have misunderstandings in the past, i dont hold any grudges, so yea, i still welcome people back into my life eventhough i was hurt like crazy.

My condolence to Joey. Stay strong honey.

Well, its 2350hrs and im still at gf's place. Bye!
Till then.. keep smiling... :)

2008-12-07T18:43:00.004+08:00

This woman wont stop whining until i said yes! I love emillllrrrrrrriaaaaaa! hahah.

He could be a potential friend but i blew it. Urgh! Hello Zakir, goodbye zakir.

I asked Santa for a boyfriend for christmas. Do you think he'll give me one? :)

2008-11-24T17:15:00.007+08:00

I survived my THREE nights! And im currently enjoying my FOUR days off! Not really enjoying though.

Had the first Alumni band chalet. Not many people attended. But it was pleasant still.

I hate weddings! Coz at the end of the day, i would wanna get married as well.

2008-11-16T17:14:00.002+08:00

It has happened for quite some time but whenever i think of it, it still hurts. I still tear.
An act of my own stupidity. I deserve the hatred.
Its just that, I've missed u.

A very random late night out. Though nothing could be done, ur presence was wonderful. Thank you.

Im sad and i feel like crying. Hahah.. bye!

2008-11-15T00:42:00.002+08:00

This song is annoyingly true. GF, u know what i mean. :(

PRCP has been ok i guess. Ive only been doing junior work in order to familiarise myself with the ward routine and whatnot. I think by next week, im able to take a case or two. One week has passed. Or, as told by wuyue, there's 48 days left. Shes actually counting down, can u believe it. :) Too bad u have to commit yourself for six years. I guess i'll be married by then. haa..

Everyone of my friends are attached. And they are all pushing me out of their life.

NOT FAIR!

2008-11-11T20:45:00.002+08:00

i am new, not dumb. Honey, its just the begining for me. Dont u think im a loser, coz im so not.

2008-11-07T23:41:00.002+08:00

Gf, my condolence to u and family...

As much as i want to be there for u tonight, i think its better for u to spend ur time with family, and of coz, nenek. Be strong darling. Come what may, u know im just a call away.

I have always regarded nenek as my own. I feel so loved whenever i go over to gf's house and nenek will welcome me with open arms, "...eh cucu nenek datang.." (hugs) . Its a great feeling, especially when i lost my own grandma at the age of 12. For that, thank you nenek.

We had the 'talk' yesterday. Thankfully she made the right choice, at least for her own good but as they were informing us, i cant help feeling selfish. I swear i was forcing myself not to cry infront of them. When they asked what's my opinion, all i said was, "whatever". Obviously i cant stop them and that left me with no choice but to accept, painfully.

14th MArch 2005, the very day where everything began to change..

I miss you and i promise u that u will never be replaced.

2008-11-06T23:15:00.002+08:00

I have not been feeling any love from u. All u did whole day recently was to hog on the phone. I dont know u anymore.

Just so you know, i dont really care. Whatever..

I need a boyfriend who understands me. And i dont care what others think. Screw u!

2008-11-06T01:00:00.002+08:00

What do YOU want from me? I'll be taken advantage of if im being nice. Everyone will hate me if im being mean. Either way, people will still speak ill of me. Honestly, i dont really care but sometimes, it just got me thinking. Obviously i cant please everyone but do not assume when u dont even know me.

I admit i was such a pms bitch from the age 11-17. Atleast that was the peak. But i tried to change for the better and i wasnt faking, at all. It hurts me to know that u even thought i was faking it just because of one incident when i was trying to be honest. And what's all this about me being a 'spare tyre'..."standard ar, diana kan buat pakai". Yes, i laughed about it coz i knew it was meant to be a joke but it has been said and if not totally, maybe, just maybe u'd been dying to say it out loud but couldnt find the right time. Should u have forgotten, i do have feelings. A smile doesnt mean im happy and im okay with everything.

I fucking dont feel well!

And why does it seem so desperate to u when i want to have a boyfriend? Is it wrong? Does my wanting to have a boyfriend troubles u? I dont even need ur help. So, back off! Well, at least u have someone to hold u during ur darkest moment. I fucking dont! At least u have a living father even if u dont like him. I fucking dont! At least u have an attention of ur mother. I fucking dont! Yet still, ive not been treated nicely.

And you, just because i cant find the time to give u my support, u dont think im a good friend? Who did u find whenever u have problems? Whose the one to listen and give u advice when u need one? Whose there to be ur middle person? Its fucking me, that's who! Shouldnt i be getting a lil credit here?

Whatever..

2008-11-03T18:01:00.002+08:00

To you,

Im sorry. Truly i am. I didnt mean to hurt u. I didnt mean to keep things from u. And i cant blame u for getting pissed at me. Yes, im the one at fault. Like i said, the meeting up each other was impromptu, for just a quick dinner or something for both of us were bored at home. Little did i know, his friend was coming along. I swear i would just want to run home coz i cant bare to hurt u. I know, i just did but it was a mistake. I can choose not to tell, like i said, but knowing that now u are in talking terms with him, i wouldnt want u to find out through him. I felt it would be much worse than if u were to find it out from me. That fear led me to telling u. I know u cant trust me nomore. But im not playing 'ms nice'. I never did. But when u compare me to someone else whom ive got no idea who, that hurts. Maybe i deserved that but i thought u could have known better. I really dont want this incident to jeopardize our friendship. Losing someone like you would be such a shame. U can choose to be angry with me for all u want. But i hope for it to stop one day. Im sorry..

Im such a bitch. FUCK!

2008-10-25T22:37:00.000+08:00

My childhood friend came by the other day. We talked, walked, ate and shopped (ok, that's just me). We laughed throughout while reminiscing about the old days. Blk 422 was the witness of a beautiful friendship formed.

So we started off with the classic 'japanese talk', with a doughnut and a bottle of mineral water. And those days, when some kids got noisy, we'll scold them, yea, in japanese. Wadahell, i know.The centre aisle used to have different heights of stone stools? ok, maybe chairs and we used to play crocodile or we'd run from one end, hopped on the stone chair, touch the used-to-have-a-letterbox (picture below) and run back.When there's a huge piece of cardboard lying around, we'll use it to slide down the slope.We used to peep on couples making out before or after our religious class. Yes, the irony. And then we'd laugh.

I miss my childhood days. I miss Kartika!

2008-10-21T22:12:00.014+08:00

Went for Tampines west's graduation cum concert. I taught these kids 2 years ago yet it seemed like just yesterday i left them. They've grown up so well and who could have taught the quiet ones are so good at dancing. Im amazed. Im so glad i worked there once. The staffs are great and they all remember me. I should thank KARTIKA for accompanying me. :)

Hari raya with the nurses to be..

changi-ians. ahah.

my room/home

amaliNA, haryaNA, mardiaNA, herdiaNA.

Three weeks before prcp. Bring me out please......

2008-10-17T23:20:00.000+08:00

What's the point of trying when the outcome is predictable..

Im such a stupid cow..

2008-10-15T00:06:00.002+08:00

Should i even get angry? Shes getting worse by the day. And im annoyed, disgusted, angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed, ashamed and scared.

Now she's busted. Someone found out her dirty little secret and i bet that person hates her. And i think im hating her as well which shouldnt be the case. But i cant help it.

I need to talk to u badly.

2008-10-13T23:58:00.000+08:00

I realised, Rafta do come when im in my most desperate moments. Thanks hor! haha.. And she is still annoying and irritatingly funny. And i miss her so much coz we are not seeing each other everyday now. And i AM cute eh Raf! hhaha.. Sorry for the belated present. So now my conscience is clear. And please make thursday happen..

Gf shouldnt have showed me that blog. Gosh.. i wont deny, he IS goodlooking while driving. But he is still annoying and the whiskers are freaking me out. haha..

I have no idea why i am missing u. But i do not wanna make the first move this time. I did give u a pleasant surprise the other day. Will i be getting mine?

Oh, a cute, gorgeous looking guy accidentally stepped on the back of my slipper. :)

the perfect guy...

Happy birthday SYAZA! :)

2008-10-12T23:44:00.003+08:00

Why do i always have to be the one waiting? Its a horrible feeling ok. Its worse when not only u have to wait for a particular thing to happen, but it actually didnt happen. I shall not wait nor have any expectations in order to save myself from the misery, ever again! Im serious...

Ive not been going out and have fun with any of my friends or cousins and its sucks knowing that everyone else is doing it and im not. I wanna go out! I wanna enjoy myself! I want friends to go out with me and not only their boyfriends. I wanna have fun! But wheres everyone? Right, they are busy.. Fine!

Im such a looooser! A huge one at that. :(

2008-10-09T22:39:00.002+08:00

She did it again... and only think of her own happiness.

What about us?

fuck!

2008-10-08T17:11:00.007+08:00

Hari raya!

Bonding session with sister today was fabulous. She dragged me to the library just so she could return and borrow more books, using my card. And she borrowed more than i did. Unfair. I then dragged her to Vybes to get our hair cut. i planned to only get it trimmed, but sister brainwashed me into cutting as short as hers.. which i didnt! But its still short. Super short that i am now missing my long untamed hair. Yes, it will grow eventually. Sister was being annoying for repeating that she looks like a poly kid with bangs. I seriously pity her for not being able to enter poly. Hence, the 'jakunism'.

Planned to go all the way to giant to get mama's present but i remembered there's a shop at bedok inter that sells bicycles. Its not that tough. We saw the bike, chose the colour, bought it and went off. The interesting part was, i rode the bike and sister sat at the back. Super hilarious. Firstly, i havent been riding a bicycle for ages. Secondly, theres a monster at the back. I couldnt even get it started and we almost bang into the dustbin. Along that stretch, we kept laughing and everyone was watching. I didnt know she would wanna ride together with me. So much for being 7 years older than me. When it was her turn to ride, she asked me to keep the laughter to myself so she wont laugh so that she could concentrate on her balance. Tell me, how could i? U should see the two idiots. U'll laugh ur ass off. I had fun!

She kept wanting it to look like a christmas gift. How annoying. Yes, imagine us, on that. I know right, how adorable. Can u believe it. Mama is 50!! The big 5-0. Shes old.

Happy 50th Birthday MAMA!